


300. how to be dead

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [149]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 07:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8658328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: Sarah summons a ghost.





	

Outside children are laughing as they trick-or-treat, and inside Sarah is lighting the candles. Rings in rings, circles in circles. It took her forever to figure out how the symbols worked; Cosima seemed the most likely to know, but like hell was she going to ask Cosima. _Hey, I found this book in the back of the library and I smuggled it out under my jacket so the librarian didn’t look at me like I’d disappointed her and I’m sort of disappointed in myself and do you know what order I draw these letters in to make her come b—_

Well. She thinks she figured the order out. It looks about right, anyways. She doesn’t have anything Belonging To The Deceased, the way the book had said, but she put in some of her own hair and a few drops of her own blood. And. That – seemed like it should work.

She lights the candles. She sits back, and: nothing happens. The candles flicker a little bit, but it’s drafty. Sarah sits with her hands on her knees and feels like an idiot.

“Helena,” she says, voice too quiet. “I guess I’m supposed to say your name. I don’t know your last name. Don’t think you ever had one. Was kinda,” (she laughs, embarrassed) “scared you were gonna want mine. Didn’t know how we were gonna have _that_ conversation.”

Silence in the room. Sarah rubs her palms back and forth over the fabric of her jeans. They’re sweating. Her palms. This was a mistake, and she’s an idiot.

“Helena,” she says again. “Please? I really need you to come back. I know you were – Christian, or whatever the hell that cult shite was, but. You were always pretty awful at that, yeah? Can you just be awful at it again? One more time. Please.”

The candles all briefly surge a little brighter and Sarah’s heart is a kickdrum against her chest and then: nothing. Outside a kid yells _give it_ back _, Emily_ , and that is the only sound.

“I’m sorry I shot you,” Sarah says. “That’s all I wanted to tell you, just – I’m sorry.” She swallows, looks away from the circle. “That’s a terrible reason to want you back, yeah? Bloody – ridiculous. S’d say I’m bein’ selfish.”

“Well,” she amends, “S’d say I’m being a right idiot, because I’m sittin’ here with a bloody – _ghost circle_ and I’m talkin’ to it hopin’ that a bloody _serial killer_ is gonna—”

She has to stop, because she’s crying.

She has to stop for a very long time.

“You were supposed to get _better_ ,” she tells the circle, she tells the candles that are flickering erratically, she tells the silence. “You were supposed to – I don’t _know_ , alright? Come knockin’ on the door and say you’d changed and I wouldn’t believe you and you’d – prove yourself, do some stupid heroic shite and then you’d be part of our family and we’d get you a bloody clone phone and you could scare the shite out of Alison eatin’ too much sugar and argue with Cosima about God, and – she’d love you. They’d all love you. They – would’ve loved you.”

“I would’ve,” Sarah says.

“I did,” Sarah says. She looks down at her hands. Bang.

“You don’t have to stay for long,” she tells her knuckles, voice almost too quiet to be heard. “Just for a second. Or maybe ten. I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you. Then you can go, if you want. I’m sure it’s nice there. Bet you’re not hungry in heaven.”

Helena doesn’t say anything. Helena doesn’t say all sorts of things: _I forgive you_ , or _I don’t_ , or _I dreamed that we were friends and I’ll tell you every second of that dream. I’ll keep talking until we run out of candlelight._

“This was my only chance,” she whispers, but Helena doesn’t answer. So Sarah opens her mouth again, and keeps talking – anything and everything she can think of. She talks about what she remembers of Helena. She talks about what she’d wanted, and what she thinks Helena would have wanted. She talks about how Kira’s doing, and every weird food or laughing child or dog or sky or bicycle that reminded her of Helena. She says the word _sister_ , just to feel it in her mouth. She keeps talking and talking, until all the candles go out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! That exclamation point feels sort of inappropriate but, hey, it's there. Kudos + comment if you enjoyed?


End file.
